Cliches that gotta go, Part Four.

 Cliche: Telling us how sexy someone is.

 

 Show us how sensual a person is.

From American Photo, Nov/Dec 1993

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One day, I got ice cream with a male friend. Conversation lagged while we enjoyed our treat. 

 He closed his eyes and swirled his tongue around the scoop, licking and sucking at the cone. I nearly orgasmed from watching his mouth relish the smooth, cold, silky cream. He was entranced by the flavor and simply abandoned himself to the sensations. If I hadn't already been thoroughly besotted already, I would have fallen just from watching him get into the moment.

A few years later, I showed my book hero impressing my heroine by his firm, assured handling of her classic muscle car, a 1966 Ford Shelby. This car model boasts 350 horsepower and went from zero to sixty in 4.5 seconds. This is the kind of automobile that easily could be pushed and pushed hard. I almost had the hero gunning the engine, squealing the tires - basically pushing the ferocious engine to its limits. But wait.

I remembered how my friend’s un-selfconscious pleasure seduced me. I wanted my character to seduce the heroine by showing how he handled power, by showing that he had class, sensuality, and stamina. I wanted her to be intrigued by his ability to unleash this magnificent automobile's potential with a long smooth ride, not something rocky, jerky, and way too short.

Don't just describe your sexy person. Show us what about them turns on the observer.

Cliches that Gotta Go; Part Three.

Coercion?

Just don't.  

 

I completely stopped reading a famous author when I realized that her heroes constantly pushed and bullied their way into the heroine's body. *coughLoraLeighcough*

One of them refused to let her orgasm until she agreed to his cock in her ass (a pet peeve of mine, see Part Two of this series). One 'hero' repeatedly forced his sexual attentions on a heroine despite her concerns for maintaining her reputation/pregnancy/losing her autonomy. At no point did the hero address her emotional needs, preferring to shove his various body parts into her mouth and other locales of interest.

I left those books feeling violated, not aroused. Force isn't sexy.

When you are creating your erotic moment, remember that there is a huge difference between a seduction and coercion. Seducing is an invitation to pleasure and mutual joy. There is an element of play, of delight, of seeing who the other person is, and learning what works on this one in particular.

Coercion is about one person's "need" to get off. It also refuses to listen to the other's concerns and worries about the act of sex. If one person is worried about anything, then the partner had better address that. 

 Don't traumatize your readers or viewers. Invite them to play with you instead.

Sex Cliches that gotta go, part two.

Today, we are talking about:

 Spontaneous anal penetration.

 

You've read the scene a million times.  A penis owner wants in their partner's butt. By coercing and pressuring the bottom, the penis owner shoves that monster dick in. The receiving partner cries out in pain, but eventually is won over by the battering their rear is taking and orgasms and nearly passes out.

 

Come on. Let's be real. 

 

The rear end needs lots of extra love and preparation. If your characters aren't using lube, time, and barrier methods to get the ass ready to party, you are missing out on an incredible chance to show their vulnerabilities and motivation. Is your top wanting in the butt because it feels so tight around the penis? Or do they want in because they want their partner to feel incredible pleasure? Are these people here for trust or brutality? 

The warm up process for the ass is a worthy scene in and of itself. The goal is to send someone through the roof, and that makes for a brilliant, non-stereotyped sex scene.

Also, what is hotter than a partner whose agenda is one of mutual pleasure?  

Not much!

Writing "Real" Sex.

 

 

In a recent interview, the magnificent director Erika Lust reminded people "that porn is exaggerated fiction, done by sex gladiators. You are not going to be able to do exactly the same as they are doing." Filmed sex can look uncomfortable - the bodies contorted for the best camera angle, heads and faces out of frame which cuts us off from the emotions of the scene.  If I'm going to watch a sex act, I want to see how much pleasure the people involved are having - not just genitals. 

I feel the goal of all arousing material isn't to make something that looks like sex, but something that reminds the reader/viewer on how sex feels. For example, I recently read a couple of books where a heterosexual couple had hot steamy sex against the wall. And oh, was it a yummy scene, let me tell you. The author captured the yearning, the desire, the absolute hunger those two had for each other. They simply couldn't wait to get into bed, they had to have each other NOW.

The author made me think about how sex feels, not how it looks. Because when I think about how heterosexual intercourse against a wall looks, I start worrying about the man's knees and if he will need a ice pack at the end (why yes, I have had a sex injury, why do you ask?).

In this upcoming series, I'm going to explore what we need to unlearn in order to create not just great sex on the page, but also in your heart.

Erika Lust's interview:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CQydxnoIwLh/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

No Guilty Pleasures

This morning, I woke, remembering the feel of an ex-lover’s skin under my lips. It was the thin, warm, tender skin of the crook of his neck. I could hear the sound of his panting and the way he fit between my legs. 

I wanted nothing more than to call him, to beg him to meet me in a lovely hotel for one more rendezvous. 

You know what? It was okay for me to feel this way. I didn’t need to feel guilty because I missed someone I had once (still) cared for deeply. 

One of the myths of a committed relationship is that you can never remember or dream of someone else. Your sexuality now belongs to your partner. 

It doesn’t. You get to have your lawless desires. You get to fantasize and orgasm from thinking of whom ever you want. 

(Need I say that desiring some one does not give you permission to be a jerk to your main squeeze?)

My delicious dream stayed with me. It brought great pleasure to my day to think on such sensuous activity. I had a glide in my stride and a dip in my hip, as Parliament/Funkadelic would say. Instead of beating myself up for my unconscious brain, thinking that perhaps I had inadvertently cheated on My Charming Man in my dreams, I allowed it to be a joy, a delight in the person who had been the focus of my passion. 

I refuse to feel guilty for any of my pleasures. I hope this gives you permission to savor your pleasures, too.  

Kisses, Tony Stark. Even now, you bring me great delight.

What's sexy about men?

As a romance writer and healthy, red-blooded American woman, it is my fate, nay, my DUTY to identify what makes a guy yummy. Not just biological men, but trans men and every other man, too.

Eugene Jaques Bullard, a WWI pilot.

Of course, the whole 6-pack, big guns thing is super tasty, but I want to let men know that they can have a regular guy body and still rock that sex appeal.

1. Pride
Not the deadly sin sort, but the kind that lets another person know that you can overcome adversity and have learned competence. A competent man is a sexy man.

An unidentified Australian WWI soldier

2. Expressive eyes.
I love looking at this photo of this soldier. I see someone who would be willing to tell what he has lived through.





3. Forearms.

 

Yes, I know Jeremy Renner is not a normal sort of guy, but bear (bare! Bare arms! Ha!) with me.

Not every guy has big biceps. But forearms are the Every Man's sexy body part. You don't have to wear tee-shirts, just find a shirt with sleeves and roll those suckers up. It's a good look on *everyone*.



4. Bondage.
 Seriously. Every man looks good in bondage.


Or maybe that's just me....

Nah.