What is the best that could happen?

Let's be honest. Right now, the world truly sucks. We are dealing with a global pandemic, the rise of fascism, and incompetent world leaders. We are anxious, exhausted, and consumed with fear. In order to find at least a tiny bit of cope, we must ask ourselves:

WHAT IS THE BEST THAT CAN HAPPEN?

"Covid-19 numbers infection rates go down."

"Nationwide, all police departments destroy the traces of white supremacy that foul the system."

Then, we ask:

HOW DO WE MAKE THAT HAPPEN?

"I can continue to wear a mask and social distance. It's really hard, but I've done hard things before."

"I will write and call and protest to the best of my ability. It is scary and feels small, but it is less scary than doing nothing."

We cannot make the best happen if we do not know what it is.

It's okay to hide under the covers (or your desk) sometimes.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, at some point, you will freak out about your job (yes, even if it's a job you love). At some point, you will want to hide under your covers.


This is the story of how I learned to embrace my hiding urge.

I was having a crap day writing. Every ounce of self-confidence I had painstakingly built over the years drained out of me, leaving me shaken, sad, and very, very scared.

I sat in front of my computer, my arms wrapped around myself, and I was whispering, "I can't do this. I can't. I just want to hide under my desk and make this go away."

As you can imagine, this went on for quite some time.

Finally, a little calm voice in my brain said, "Well, go ahead. No one else is here. You can hide under your desk for a little while. Why not?"

Why not, indeed? So I did.

I slid off my chair, grabbed a soft blanket, and sat on the floor under my desk.

I'd never seen my office from this perspective.  The floor was actually clean (miracle!). The bottom of my desk made a nice little roof, protecting me from the sky that had been falling in my imagination. Almost immediately, my anxiety eased.

I don't know how long I sat there. I'm sure there is research showing that small spaces make us feel comforted, maybe something going back to our primitive hind-brains. All I know is that it stopped the flood of fear into my body and gave me a few moments of much needed peace.

That's when I realized that it is okay to look like a weirdo. It's okay to stop and protect yourself. And it's okay to hide once in a while.

Take a little break. Your brain and body will thank you.

And don't be afraid of looking like a weirdo.

Lousy self-esteem gets in the way of being fabulous.

Behold what I found in the depths of my filing cabinet.

 When I was a young Ms. Mercury, I knew I wanted to write and I knew I wanted to write erotica.

Alas, I let the haters stop me. I tell ya, lousy self-esteem gets in the way of being fabulous. So my list of naughty things languished in my filing cabinet for over 25 years.

So here's to making up for lost time. Let's be fabulous, let's break the rules, and let the good times roll. :)

Day Two

Missed my goal of 12 pages, but I got 8 on the computer and 2 1/2 handwritten. I'm calling that good, since one page of handwritten translates to 1 1/2 pages typed.

Had an attack of fear last night, but this morning I have my strategy all mapped out. Just gotta keep moving.

Crippling self doubt

Self-doubt attacks everyone in the world. My experience is just like yours.

It starts with unease around your creativity.

Something in your world is not right. It might be a big crisis such as a death in your family, an ecological disaster, joblessness or divorce, and the ensuing poverty of these tragedies.

Your crisis is smaller and subtler, but it still cripples you. Perhaps everyone around you is suffering and there is nothing you can do to help them. Maybe your sleep schedule gets mucked up, or you experience a shift in your intimated relationships.

Trying to be productive under these circumstances *hurts*. And since people rightly avoid what is painful, they go to step two - procrastination. 

After all, what is the good of something as frivolous as writing your little shameful romance stories when the world is exploding?

Putting off your dream can lead to panic and second guessing.

Did you make the right decision to set aside the stuff that brings out the best of you? Shouldn't you be able to keep working no matter what? All you have to do is "force yourself to do it".

This panic churns your stomach, makes your sleep worse. I can tell you from personal experience that sleep deprivation is an untold horror. In a particularly bad part of my life, I experienced both olfactory and auditory hallucinations. My heart didn't stop racing, and I was constantly nauseated from the lack of sleep. Yet, through it all, I constantly demanded that I keep up my work schedule.

This leads to despair, that tar pit of sorrow.  You can barely leave your rooms. Despair drags at your limbs, saps you of vitality. You try to do something, anything, but you feel like you are wading through cold molasses.

It's very easy to lose all hope. In Part Two, I'm going to throw you some rope so we can pull each other out of these energy sucking cycles.