Poetry Break.

 I found a long-lost poem while I was doing some KonMari organization on my file cabinet. It's obviously pretty old.

I call this one, "Bullshit."

A self-indulgent, condescending woman once told me,

"The greatest art is borne of sorrow."

(bullshit)

She then told me,

"When you finally experience sorrow, you

will understand what I mean."

(Because pain never visits those under thirty).

    I didn't say that my mother had died a year ago.

    I'd put my dog down two months ago.

    I had left my husband a month ago.

             She was a liar.

 

The best art comes from joy.

Nazi Snuff Porn, or How to Survive Bad Reviews.

Here are my notes for my workshop! I hope you all enjoy.

Nazi Snuff Porn or, How to deal with bad reviews
The very first review I got on my very first book was on GoodReads. Someone called my innovative, unusual vampire romance, “Nazi Snuff Porn.”

OUCH. Nazi Snuff Porn?? For a redemption story with Fallen Angels, Dracula, political commentary, AND a pretty fabulous (by my thoughts, at least) love story?

The second review I ever got on my book was on Amazon, where a woman claimed that it was the worst book she had read that year. DOUBLE OUCH.

That was quite the one-two punch, delivered within less than an hour of each other. People hated my writing, my characters, and weren’t even too thrilled with me. Bad reviews kill hope, strike in the heart of us. Their nasty insinuations ring in our minds, poisoning our confidence, cutting our dreams off at their knees. Every single writer in the world deals with negative reviews, nasty put-downs, and horrible rejections. In the midst of our pain, we think, “Oh, I just need to have a thicker skin.”

I’m here to say that you don’t need a thicker skin. Your thin skin is a gift. Thin skin is why we have a five day work week, why we have child labor laws, and the Society to prevent cruelty to animals. Thin skin means you see something wrong and you go fix it. It is what allows us to write with passion and the power to change the world. Our thin skin is what gives our writing power, emotion, and importance. Our concern for the state of the world and each other is the greatest motivator and the foundation of all we do.

But. Bad reviews still hurt. Life is hard and it comes at you fast and it hurts. What I’m going to give you today are concrete, real world tools to deal with these horrible people.
It can take time to recover. With these tips, you can cut that recovery time down to hours or days, instead of months.

Once you get a bad review or rejection.

1. Self-Care
a. Stand up. Brush off that nasty energy!
b. Do some self-percussion. Stimulate your circulation.
c. Jam out.

2. Celebrate!
a. Pop the champagne! Goddamn it, you wrote and published a book. You put yourself out there. You are brave, you finish what you start, and you have survived far more misery than these wanna-be Ebert and Siskels can imagine. Celebrate your courage. Have a party. You’ve made it! You’ve written a book and someone has hated it. You’re in good company. Damn it, you wrote a book and it created a reaction. That is fantastic.

3. Embrace the sisterhood of bad reviews:
Behold:
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe
One has to be puzzled why people would read such drivel as this. The characters, the plot, the story, the background, the atmosphere, the landscape, the tone etc. is just awful, with little or no redeeming social or artistic value... You'll save your eyes and your time and get more benefits by sleeping than by reading this book-like-object. 

Donna Tart, whose first book had won the Pulitzer, had someone say this about her second: and Donna Tartt’s The Secret History.
  Reading this book was like watching paint dry, fade, start to flake off, and finally disintegrate.   
or: This book is not worth the read unless one is looking for a long drawn out plot going nowhere.

And have you ever read Nora Robert’s bad reviews? Man, you’ll feel like a million bucks afterwards.
b. When the most likable character is a horse you have to wonder.....

4. It’s not about you. It’s not about you. It’s not about you.
a. These people get a kick, a thrill that is almost sexual, out of destroying someone’s dream. They will never admit it, but you can tell in all of their reviews and comments, that saying horrible things is how they fuel their self –righteous belief that they are smarter than anyone else.
Look at the Eggers quote on your handout. Remember that rage and envy. Because that leads us concrete actions.

5. How do you deal with these idiots with the IQ of a turnip? It’s one thing to deal with your emotions when you are safely reading in a magazine or behind a computer screen. But some people’s children The four most important words in a writer’s vocabulary:
a. “No Kidding!” and “Thank you.”

There are four words you need to know. No kidding and  Thank you. 
For example: “Your books sucks!”
“No kidding!”

“I read your dirty book.”
“Thank you.”

“I liked your book.”
“Thank you!”

The NUCLEAR OPTION
If nothing else works. If someone is trying to manipulate you.
Dale Spender story about lipstick. “Are you trying to orchestrate my response?”
In all honesty, I didn’t come with these. I stole them from much smarter people.

Now that you‘re feeling better, here’s how to read a bad review

6. Analyze the criticism
Take a look at the critic’s other reviews. See who they are, what they complain about, and what they do like. I’m going to lay odds, and really good ones, that they have a pet theory, a belief that things (often fictional things) are set in stone. We all have our beliefs and opinions. People with class, maturity, and style state those beliefs and opinions in ways that encourage the artist to keep going. They will say what they like, what they want to see more of, and tell you how to improve your work. But that’s hard and takes time, so your critics won’t.

a. Are the comments consistent in each bad review? Do they talk about convoluted plots? Historical inaccuracies? If your reviews tend to say that your characters are unrealistic, take a look at them. Do they mention problematic proofreading and editing? These reviews are helpful and let you know how to improve.

b. Nazi Snuff Porn, huh?
I had taken particular care with the section that dealt with Nazi War Crimes. As a historian, I found primary source materials from the men who liberated the first of the work camps – Mittlebau-Dora in Nordhausen. Everything I wrote had been documented from eyewitness accounts. The stories of bodies stacked like firewood, of feces being pounded into the cement from bombing? Those descriptions came from the survivors and rescuers.
I re-read the passages. I thought about how my characters responded to seeing this devastation. I decided that the work stood on its own.
c. “Worst book of the year”? After running around the house screaming, “I’m Number One! I’m Number One!”, I calmed down. And it struck me as *funny*. My little novel was the worst book of the year? The “worst book of the year” review also said it had too much sex. Well, that’s hardly bad news! After all, one person’s yuck is another’s turn on.
d. Also, worst book? Some self-satisfied yutzes on Amazon said the same thing about Left Hand of Darkness.

7. First exercise
a. Write down every single nasty thing you can imagine. Think of what your worst enemy would say about your heart project. 2 minutes
b. Give some space between each cut.
c. Take some deep breaths. Brush it off, and do some funk. :)

d. Now. Take a look. What is your wound? What wounds are these words hitting? Is it the fear of making mistakes? Of making someone mad at you? Write down what fear or hurt these things push.
e. When you go home, journal about these fears.

8. Second exercise.
Next, write down every single awesome thing you can think of. What an audience full of people who love you and want you to succeed would say? What would they like? How would they give helpful feedback if you made a mistake?

What is the wound these words are healing?
Pin that list up by your desk.

In Conclusion.
In the end, it’s all copy. Use it. Take these feelings; the loss, the hurt, the desire for revenge, and USE them. Write scene after scene of your heroine taking it on the jaw and coming up swinging.
Finally, the big point. The most important point. The only thing you really need to keep from this workshop is: The best revenge is living well. You want to get back at these bullies and bitches? Keep writing. Have an awesome life researching, writing, loving, laughing, immersing yourself in life.
Will these pixels on a screen or lines on paper stop you from writing??

If you stop, they will win. You are a writer. And you are invincible!

Now go out there and be excellent to each other.

Needs and Wants

One of the perennial flame wars of all time is *drum rolls*

Needs Vs. Wants.

(Say that in the Epic Rap Battles of History voice. It's pretty kicking)

I get really steamed when people say to someone,  "That's a WANT, not a NEED!" It's a way to dismiss someone's desires, be it for clean air, a hug, or a Ferrari. (or  Jaguar. Depending on your taste)

Most people will tell you that needs are only for survival - things like food, clothing, shelter, and breathing. Anything else is a want, and therefore frivolous.

The truth is, the only thing that matters is the question that comes after, "I want X" or "I want Y". That question is:

"For what?"

If I said, "I need a massage, lots of tea, a hot bath, and someone to brush my hair."

One of those "need" people would say, "Those are not needs, they are wants." They would think I was frivolous and wasteful, and I would think they were dumb-ass idiots with the IQ of a turnip. And we would both feel really miserable.

Well, if they had asked, "What for?", we could actually understand each other. I would answer, "If I don't get body work, stay hydrated, and have time with someone I trust, I turn into a pain-addled, depressive, angry hag."



The next time someone goes off about your wants/needs, ask yourself, "For what?"

It will stop the argument, create a better conversation, and save your sanity. :)