Men, women, and sex: It's not what you think it may be.

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Men, women, and sex: It's not quid pro quo.

A long time ago, my mother told me that men traded love in order to have sex and that women traded sex in order to have love. In other words, men will put up with cuddling and speaking gentle words as long as the woman allows him access to her vagina. Likewise, she will tolerate his thrusting for what she really wants - companionship and warmth.

My mother was a wise and generous woman.  Throughout her far too short life, she had given me a great deal of stellar advice. In this case, though, I intuitively knew this was complete bull-pucky.

This belief turns a lover's trailing caress into a transaction, bought and paid for. Not a shared pleasure, not in invitation to play or share, but an exchange best for a brothel.  I could feel it in my teenaged bones - if you treat your partner like a prostitute, it will lead to resentment, anger, and the death of something that once was joyful and a source of delight.

Quite frankly, a real prostitute gets more respect from the open exchange of money than anyone involved in the hostile exchange described above.

A brothel picture from Pompeii.

The nastiest part of that saying? It's an insidious belief, one that is not spoken of directly. Instead, it lurks in our unspoken assumptions, leading us into a starvation economy of affection, touch, and attention.

I want lovers to come to each other for pleasure, a sharing of passion and excitement.  I'm doing my best to destroy this pernicious saying.

And I want you to help me. Tell me what stereotypes about love and relationships you want to eliminate.

An army travels on its stomach.

Unfortunately, The U.S. Navy SEAL Guide to Fitness and Nutrition doesn't have any pictures of yummy men, but what an awesome resource for my straight arrow hero!

Since the Seals are a male-only force, the book is of limited use to women, but come on! How often do you get to read articles titled, "Nutritional Considerations for Endurance Activities"?  With tables named "Table 11-3. Typical Land Warfare"?

Many years ago, I read a monograph on the food needs of Alexander the Great's campaigns. I need to find it again and compare it to the statistics in here.

Dare to be Average, part two

"Ok, Ms. Smarty-Pants," I hear you saying, "How exactly does Dare to be Average work? If I don't push myself to succeed, I'd spend my time in slothful idleness, surrounded by clutter, and I'd never get anything done. This is what works for me."

Fair enough. Here's the scoop- I know exactly what you mean by "needing that motivation". Self castigation is a time-honored way of getting yourself off your duff.

The problem? Fear and self-loathing aren't effective long term motivators. A bit of self disgust might work now and again, but quite simply, it is not sustainable.

Calling yourself names (lazy, fat, disgusting, etc.) hurts more than it helps. I know that I work very poorly for a person who belittles, insults, and castigates me. In fact, I will actively avoid working for that person.

So why am I trying to motivate myself that way?

If I look at a project that I am resisting (like writing this blog post - I so did not want to do it), I realize that it is because I am using negative motivators. By thinking, "Fine. I will write an average blog post", I am freed. I can play, draft, and eventually post.

It's not a world shaking post, but it is here, it's done, and I got my point across. If I am for average as opposed to HEARTBREAKING, EARTHSHAKING, SUPER GENIUS, GUT-WRENCHING TRUTH, I have a much better chance of actually finishing something.

Next time you find yourself frozen with perfectionism, take a deep breath. Think, "Fine. Let's aim for average and see what happens."

I bet you'll surprise yourself.

The best writing advice I've gotten

I've been fortunate enough to receive some brilliant advice from a wide variety of sources. I hope to explore some of these A-ha! moments in the upcoming days.

The most important words I have are:

DARE TO BE AVERAGE!

I found this in (where else?) Feeling Good by David Burns

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Most people write (or want to write) are perfectionists. If we don't write perfectly, then we are failures. If we don't sell a million copies, we are failures. 

You might have noticed that this doesn't lead to happy writing.What the heck? What have you got to lose? Perfectionism doesn't work, so why not try something new? You might feel awkward at first, but the liberation will stun you.

To quote:

For any activity, instead of aiming for 100 percent, aim for 80 percent, 60 percent, or 40 percent. then see how much you enjoy the activity and how productive you become. Dare to aim at being average! It takes courage, but you may amaze yourself! (p. 356)

By taking off the pressure to a staggering super genius, you and I can write with our own clear voice. Ideas become fun, instead of sources of anxiety. Mistakes become a game, not the end of the world.

Try it for a day, or even a week. Tell me what happens when you dare to be average! Do you feel less anxious, more productive, or did you have to face the fears that fueled perfectionism? 

Give-away!

A new fan for Spring! The camera read the color as blue, but it is actually a lovely deep purple with platinum colored embossing and black spokes. (I call it Maleficent after Disney's antagonist in Sleeping Beauty).

And the question for your sunshine-addled brains is:

What is the name of my heroine for my new story, Sister of God?

First to comment here wins!

My universe is constantly expanding.

There seems to be a stereotype that writers can only work in one genre for one audience, forever. We are amazed when a mystery writer attempts a foray into action-adventure. We applaud when Nora Roberts takes on the futuristic police procedural as J.D. Robb.

And one never, never crosses over from fiction to non-fiction.

Frankly, I don't do well with rules. I started off with non-fiction writing until I was hijacked by my wonderful Valerie, Lance, and John for Dracula's Secret. Sophia is running amok in my brain in Sister of God. But my passion for history is not letting me go.

There aren't a lot of American women who study Middle Eastern history. As a Western feminist who is familiar with various cultural mores, I have insight into the forces that create the image of Islam that Americans struggle with. I have things to say about how events in the 1600s still effect what everyone experiences now. As a fiction writer, I can say them in an interesting and vibrant way.

Someday, I'm sure I'll need to create a second blog for my history work and how that is going. I don't think many publishers want the author of a popular history posing in a cocktail dress with a wine glass. After all, serious writer r serious, you know. *makes serious face*

Of course, the field just might need an author who wears rhinestones. It certainly would make book talks more interesting....

I can't give up my beautiful boys and girls who search for love and passion while saving the world. I'm going to write them until I die. :)

I'm just going to add more excitement into my life. This is going to be fun!